Depressed
I’ve felt so scared about my future, and how others perceive me, and felt that I’m never going to measure up to my idols or even peers. And I’ve been paralyzed. I haven’t been doing much, because of these anxieties. And this paralysis causes me to yearn for my childhood when I made experimental videos and made multilayered music recordings and learned how to draw, when everything seemed new and possible. And then I just want to sleep, and I feel like telling someone about what I’m feeling but I don’t because I don’t want them to feel bad.
And then it feels like my head is empty, like I’m not having any meaningful thought. And it’s weird, because I feel this odd pressure, this pressure to be thinking great, contemplative thoughts. I feel this pressure almost all the time, and it makes me feel stupid and useless.
I don’t know what I’m trying to get at this. I just felt like I should write something and express what I’ve been feeling, because I haven’t been very expressive lately.
To make this more concrete, I’ll say I’ve been having some trouble at school: I’ve been having some trouble at school. I’m failing three of my classes (out of eight). This has caused me worry about getting into college. But then a much worse thought enters my mind: even if I do get accepted into a good college, what if I can’t pay for it? What if I’m not accepted for loans? What if I am and I end up in debt that cripples my adult life? All these doubts enter and fester in my mind, and I don’t even know what field I would like to study or work in. Luckily, the thing that calms me the most when I think all of this is doing my homework. It’s all I can do right now.
